My Journey

I'm a young woman learning to fully trust, listen and obey God each day of my life. I long to know Him better and want everyone to be filled with His Truth. It was, after all, His Truth that set me free from years of confusion, anxiety, oppression,  and sorrow. He continues to teach me His will and His ways and I continue to be set free each day of my life.

As a child I was diagnosed with an anxiety and panic disorder. I was only 8 years old at the time but I somehow knew deep down that my worrying had gone on longer than that. As I look back on those precious years of my childhood I realize that the fear consumed me probably at around age 6.

I know you're probably thinking, what? how can a little child have anxiety so horrible? But believe me, you have no idea how confused and ashamed I was because of my constant worrying. The years after I was diagnosed things only became worse.

I had such horrible anxiety that it turned into obsessive compulsive disorder. I felt the need to control everything so my panic would subside, but that only provoked more anxiety within myself and in turn I withdrew from my social life and even my family at times.

I wish I could tell you that things got better from there, but they either got worse at some points in my life or stayed the same. In high school I even had to transfer to a small private academy because public school was so big and daunting for me that I couldn't truly thrive in that type of atmosphere. It was only when I was a junior in high school, around 16 years old, that I began to slowly come out of my shell. And it was amazing! I made new friends, had a new social life, and even conquered some amazing goals I had set for myself. My faith in God helped me to move forward in life. But after a while my life once again was on a plateau. I was still writhdrawing from social activities because of the fear that planted itself inside me and I couldn't do certain things without having terrible anticipitory anxiety or panic attacks; sometimes both.

Throughout all of this my walk with God was mediocre. I didn't seek Him with all my heart, and when I asked Him for something and didn't get it, I walked away. As a teenager I began to think God gave me this anxiety, I would ask 'why me?!' My mother would look at me and smile saying, 'Gretchen, God did not give this to you. But He will give you the strength to overcome the anxiety.'

As a teen I really didn't open my heart to what she was saying. I was finally able to understand that God did not give this to me, but only on an intellectual level, not on an emotional one.

After about 3-4 years from finishing high school did I begin to notice how badly I had plateaued in life. I had been blind to it for so long that I couldn't discern whether or not I was worrying too much and still withdrawing from life. My parents were the ones to take me out of this funk by bringing this issue to a family counselor. Then and only then did I begin to realize how desperately out of it I was.

My walk with God began to grow, but I still wasn't seeking Him with my whole heart. I was seeking answers from people rather than from God and that is what hindered me in thriving fully.

During that time I also began hanging out with new friends, I even entered into new friendships with confidence and ease. The friendships I had though, were causing me to compromise my values, test my morals, open myself up to more deception, and allow myself to conform the ways of the world. (See what God's Word says about conformity to the world in Romans 12:2 )

Needless to say in the end I got burned. But God with His grace and love cotinued to show me His will for me by continuosly helping me move towards Him. I started to seek God with my whole heart this time around, but fell once again back into the easy way of conforming to this world through the way I thought about life and how things worked. I was still trying to control things and do them with my own agenda. Little did I know that this is what caused the anxiety in the first place. It was then that God began to show me that I can't and will never control anything; and trying to control my life was only decieving myself. It is God who is in control and it is God who has marvelous plans for me! (Jeremiah 29:11)

About a year ago was when I had one of the worst panic attakcs ever. It was in the middle of the night, the day before Christmas. I lay awake for about two hours shaking and feeling my heart continue to pound in my chest. 'Why did it happen the day before Christmas? I love Christmas and celebrating the birth of Jesus!' It was too confusing for me to understand, but I realized something for the first time...

 'I cannot live like this, I cannot live my life in fear! I refuse to live like this; there has to be something better for me!' 

These were the thoughts that went through my mind and in turn I started to surrender myself to God. I dove into the Bible and learned God's will for my life, I began seeing things differently for the first time, and I decided to tackle my fears head on in  therapy with a specialist in anxiety. God met me again! But this time because I actually decided to stick with it and continue to seek Him with my whole heart and I learned the Truth!

Over this past year I have asked God to soften my heart towards Him and His word and have surrendered myself to Him more and more each day. I've even tackled something that had been on my mind for a long time. I learned the Truth that fear is the opposite of faith and by being fearful I was commiting a sin by not trusting God. I came to the realization that I didn't have to choose to be afraid anymore! Jesus told the world not to worry, so why was I? (Matthew 6:25)

And yes, whether I realized it or not, I did choose to be fearful all those years. However, God was giving me a new choice and with that choice I was set free! I chose to pursue God and my Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart, mind, and soul. That choice has been the best decision I have ever made. I can hear God so much more clearly now and I am continuously working with Him.

Do I still worry? Sometimes, but because of God's Truth I am able to give my fears to Him and see His will for me. God's will is not for me to be fearful! (Isaiah 41:10)

The Lord God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

That verse came to be such a guiding force in my recovery with God. His will is for me to be free!

Shortly after my panic attack I re-dedicated my life to Jesus Christ! By re-dedicating myself I was able to start new, just like Jesus tells us, and to make the necessary changes in my walk with God.

I still work with God daily on my fears and on many other things in my life. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am a human being in depserate need of God's grace and Truth. But what continues to amaze me is His willingness and compassion to give me everything because I seek Him and ask Him to open the eyes of my heart. The Lord enlightened the eyes of my heart and I'm here to tell you that He can do that same for you!

No matter what your journey is, where you've been, what you've done or how you've reacted to difficult situations in life, God will meet you and set you free! Seek Him wholeheartedly (Jeremiah 29:13)and let Him wrap His Truth around your entire being. It will be the best thing you could ever do.

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,
Ephesians 1:18